Ode, La Nouvelle Orléans

MY ASS aches, and a hazy dumbness pains

My sense, as though Absinthe I had drunk,

And emptied some new shrimps to the drains

One minute past, and Canal-wards had sunk:

'Twas a celebration of our academic lot,

And being too reliev'd in our happiness,

That Thou! Light-winged Drink of ease!,
In some perfidious plot
Of Lafitte's mean, and Abitas numberless,
Screamed our success to the tops o'trees!

O for a moment of clarity! that hath been

Unaffected by barmaid of Orleans girth,

Her lids darkly-lined above eyes of green.

Dance, and 80s songs, and stories of mirth!

And of bathtub full of ice - it had seen no mouth!

Yes, a bathroom -- the likes we’d never seen—

With pee of others lapping at the brim.

Of a liquor-pained South!

O! Night of drink, Orleans unseen,

And pole by pole, left Bourbon Street dim…

Hungover! the very word is like a knell:

A morn knock that pull’d me from my stupor’d self!

Adieu, beignets! You who did treat us so well

As Orleans is famed to do [deceptive pelf!].

Adieu! adieu! thy plaintive blues fades

Past near Metairie, past the voodoo stream,

Back home! and now, stories buried deep;

But, next post, all in spades:

I’ll tell of visions, of a waking dream.

Our next memories? abroad! Stories cannot keep.

In the Cause!

Dr. T. Shandy

Wherein I Offer an Apology and a Promise...

HOW COULD I, dear P.R., be so inattentive to this blog? To you, dear Pretend Reader… have I really been so lackadaisical in posting my latest thoughts? It is unconscionable to have left you to your own devices! And here I sit – so much to write – so much to share! Oh! – for that time returned! Nevertheless, as I am not one to revisit the past without direct and irrefutable purpose, I hereby recognize my failures -- even as I pledge to move forward – ever looking to the next post and the next – not backwards to that which might have been, but, most regretfully, was not. Onward!

Indeed, in an effort to discourage this sort of irresponsible and reprehensible blogging behavior in my future, have imposed a penance upon this “lusty picaroon” who writes before you --- I do this, neither out of wantonness or cruelty, but from the best of motives; and therefore, I shall make myself no apology for it when I return, fingers weary from the tap, tap, tapping of the keys: -- yes!; damn the cost, I shall “catch” you “up,” dearest reader on all that has transpired since last we interfaced. Though it will, undoubtedly, take several posts (written in the coming days!), in a quest for clarity and transparency, I shall attempt to outline for you [should you find yourself desirous of skipping past those stories which hold no sway], -- in this fine post, those details and adventures I will share in diatribes to come. So, if we are agreed? -- let this entry serve, as it were, as a “taste” – a pleasant “peek” at what will follow. Guilt, 'tis true!, is a passably fine motivator, when one lacks for a better reason to write.

To begin, I will share with you, in its rich and full-bodied detail, my latest journey: a trip I began with my long-time writing partner, a charming man by the name of Mr. Gilbert Blythe [one, you may recall, I spoke of, fondly, in a previous post] attended a large academic conference in, of all lusty places for a picaroon to find herself! --- that den of iniquity, that nexus of evil, that soulless pit of degradation and moral turpitude, that glorious locale of drinking and dining and pleasures of the flesh!: New Orleans, Louisiana. Though I might simply write “a good time was had by all” [for it is true we each had our own “good time”], such a casual dismissal of our astounding conference performance, of our lusty picarooning, and of our academic hobnobbing is, in truth, to dismiss all that I am -- all that Mr. Blythe and I were, academically speaking, together!

Forgive me while I pause to rebuke a vicious taste -- one that has crept into thousands besides myself, -- that for reading straight forward -- as though reading were a mere skill!, reading more in quest of the facts, rather than for a deep erudition or knowledge with which an adventure of this sort will be cast. After all, our stories are "books," of sorts, are they not? Might we all agree that if one “reads” well, reads people and our stories over as it should always be, we would infallibly impart to our “readers” something that is more valuable than a trove of Blackbeard’s riches? It is in storytelling [and the listening!], I have concluded, that we retain our humanity. ---- But, lest we forget, it is equally true that the mind should be accustomed to make wise reflections, and draw curious conclusions as it goes along; the habitude of which made Pliny (the younger) affirm, “That he never read a book so bad, but he drew some profit from it.” But, I digress.

In addition to a story or two that emerged from our week of debauchery and academic prowess in NOLA, I will, also, take one of these "future moments" to tell you, yes, forthwith!, about my latest “editing” project. Though it, naturally, speaks little to my own artistic pursuits, I have recently been credited with some small degree of “responsibility” (dare I say “credit”?) for its creation. I’ve been told I am the catalyst, and while that may surely credit me, in my own mind, with far more involvement than I deserve, I accept this smallest and most limited position -- that of part “muse” [part “editor” – part “sponsor” – part “fan”] with, one can but hope!, a measure of grace and dignity. Yes, this latest task has been handed to me by my writerly soul mate, my life-long friend, B.F., my own “Mr. Freret” – he of that worldly and infamous Internet sensation, “The Adventures of B. Freret.”

------ But look here, my fair P.R.! Have you yet read over and again this blog’s previous posts, as I desired you? -- You have not? Oh, but I rely on your diligence, dear reader!: upon your second reading of previous musings, you will find yourself up-to-date on my state of mind; you will recall the personage of whom I speak herein: you will observe the passages, upon a second reading, which admits the inferences regarding B.F., Mr. Blythe, and more ---- we will bridge the gap that exists betwixt us, -- but this will require your dedication to the cause as well, dearest P.R.; for, I proudly admit, not a passage exists upon these pages that loves or lives or breathes without purpose!

A suggestion: when you are finished with this day's blog-reading, be pleased, and ponder well [again] the last line of this post, where I will admit that, "It was necessary I should read before I write.'' So, I urge you! – nay, I beseech you: – read! – muse! – think! And, then when you return “home” to these pages, look closely to that most recent post; it will be that one which illuminates the soul and discloses much of my "true" nature (at least as much as it conceals my true person). Until we meet again, dear P. R…. I remain...

In the Cause!

Dr. T. Shandy

Miscellany of Guidance and Reflection

I RECENTLY had the pleasure to spend some hours in quiet reverie with my long-time writing partner, Mr. Gilbert Blythe.* On this particular occasion [though you should note that my qualification ("particular") should not suggest that my previous encounters with Mr. Blythe did not, often, devolve in a similar fashion (if not towards the self-same topic)] -- Mr. Blythe and I spoke quite kindly about his pending wedding anniversary. I was surprised to discover that Mr. Blythe had been many years happily affianced to his amour, Anne**, thirteen in number! -- and that his affection had not waned in all those many years following that fast and passionate betrothal. Indeed, Mr. Blythe admitted to me that less than six weeks of courtship preceded his (inevitable) proposal -- and their subsequent -- and immediate! --courthouse nuptials.

I mention my discussion with Mr. Blythe in our public forum, not as -- as some might suggest-- a betrayal of private or sacred confidence, but instead as proof of my sincerest appreciation for those mortals among us who, despite all life's temptations and challenges, manage to successfully endure beyond the first seven or so years of natural marital harmony. I myself have never maintained any relationship [save the random friendship and a few complex familial ties] for such a significant length.

As you may recall, it is in complicated times, such as these, that I turn again to my friend, and confidant, Diana, for her wisdom and insights. Having been married, divorced, lesbian, straight, childless, and child-ful, Diana -- though oft more vitriolic than in which I can find comfort! -- manages, with regularity, to strike some exposed human nerve in her acquaintances. I have yet to find any individual [of even passable intelligence] who is able to find fault in her immutable logos.

So, to that end, I offer, for your review dear P.R., the following miscellany of "guidance and reflection" on wedding anniversaries (behaviors one might be best to avoid -- and other suggestions that, mayhap, will add to the celebratory atmosphere of these significant, personal moments of marital bliss) from my dearest, and most loyal real-life friend, Diana:

On Wedded Bliss & Celebratory Moments in Time:

1. If you planned your honeymoon around "March Madness," future anniversaries WILL require similar consideration.

2. If you ever find yourself at Taco Bell*** (TM) on your wedding anniversary, rest assured that it is all downhill from there -- regardless of the compelling reasons involving this "one time" dining choice.

3. A spouse who "forgets" his or her wedding anniversary has likely forgotten other crucial aspects of the relationship (eg: that he/she is married, etc. )

4. Ostentatious displays of anniversary-related affection (ie: gifts, preferably those wrapped inside small, light blue boxes) will not dispel existing marital discord or regrets, but they can make enduring it much more pleasant.

5. Any one who finds herself/himself married, for more than seven consecutive years, has been miserable at a (flexible) ratio of 1 to 3.****

6. If you find your spouse's family's actions or habits reprehensible, then you will likely find your spouse to be similarly obnoxious in the years that follow. Double that, if he/she considers "dinner with the parents" an acceptable celebration. Indeed, anniversaries will not lessen this feeling, but, rather, these events often exaggerate the related daily realities of married life.

7. If your spouse's idea of "fun" is a six pack, a bag of Doritos (TM), and football, then he or she is unlikely to plan (or enjoy) more cerebral outings. Despite your dreams to the contrary, this will never change. Your ability to endure such atrocities is, in general, directly related to #5.

8. If you wake up on your anniversary only to discover that you'd prefer to spend the day having a colonoscopy (rather than your spouse), I recommend that you return, immediately, to bed. This day has already hit its orgasmic high.

9. If you, or your spouse, must seek the guidance of a lawyer (for any reason) on your actual anniversary [and is unaware of the significance or irony of this rhetorical choice] might I suggest that you move on -- calmly. That relationship is over.

10. If your spouse ever described Sarah Palin as "do-able" -- run. If she/he made such an observation on your actual anniversary, please see #9.

________

As you can clearly see, dear P.R., Diana is a bitter, bitter woman, but one who, it must be explained, speaks from a place of disparate and first-hand experience. Nevertheless, if upon reading her list, you find yourself equal parts chagrined, depressed, or wary in the ways of love and love lost, know that I, too, remain confident and hopeful that these selected anniversary "gaffs" are certainly not representative of the whole of human experience, and that alternative solutions are solidly possible.

In the Cause,

Dr. T. Shandy

*Any similarities you find, to the original Mr. Gilbert Blythe (of Green Gables fame), is purely coincidental and should not prejudice your opinion of the manliness of my writing partner, Mr. Blythe.

**Anne, though regretfully named, bears no resemblance to her "green" literary sister.

*** Taco Bell (TM) is used, herein, as anecdotal evidence only; any number of other dining choices are equally disturbing on one's anniversary (eg: Golden Corral, Burger King, Village Inn, IHOP, 7-11 -- to name just a few)

****Though the marriage must, necessarily, be "consecutive," I feel compelled to explain that Diane is very clear that "misery" is rarely consecutive and is often punctuated by random and inexplicable bursts of bliss. Misery is, according to Diana's rules, always cumulative.