Miscellany of Guidance and Reflection

I RECENTLY had the pleasure to spend some hours in quiet reverie with my long-time writing partner, Mr. Gilbert Blythe.* On this particular occasion [though you should note that my qualification ("particular") should not suggest that my previous encounters with Mr. Blythe did not, often, devolve in a similar fashion (if not towards the self-same topic)] -- Mr. Blythe and I spoke quite kindly about his pending wedding anniversary. I was surprised to discover that Mr. Blythe had been many years happily affianced to his amour, Anne**, thirteen in number! -- and that his affection had not waned in all those many years following that fast and passionate betrothal. Indeed, Mr. Blythe admitted to me that less than six weeks of courtship preceded his (inevitable) proposal -- and their subsequent -- and immediate! --courthouse nuptials.

I mention my discussion with Mr. Blythe in our public forum, not as -- as some might suggest-- a betrayal of private or sacred confidence, but instead as proof of my sincerest appreciation for those mortals among us who, despite all life's temptations and challenges, manage to successfully endure beyond the first seven or so years of natural marital harmony. I myself have never maintained any relationship [save the random friendship and a few complex familial ties] for such a significant length.

As you may recall, it is in complicated times, such as these, that I turn again to my friend, and confidant, Diana, for her wisdom and insights. Having been married, divorced, lesbian, straight, childless, and child-ful, Diana -- though oft more vitriolic than in which I can find comfort! -- manages, with regularity, to strike some exposed human nerve in her acquaintances. I have yet to find any individual [of even passable intelligence] who is able to find fault in her immutable logos.

So, to that end, I offer, for your review dear P.R., the following miscellany of "guidance and reflection" on wedding anniversaries (behaviors one might be best to avoid -- and other suggestions that, mayhap, will add to the celebratory atmosphere of these significant, personal moments of marital bliss) from my dearest, and most loyal real-life friend, Diana:

On Wedded Bliss & Celebratory Moments in Time:

1. If you planned your honeymoon around "March Madness," future anniversaries WILL require similar consideration.

2. If you ever find yourself at Taco Bell*** (TM) on your wedding anniversary, rest assured that it is all downhill from there -- regardless of the compelling reasons involving this "one time" dining choice.

3. A spouse who "forgets" his or her wedding anniversary has likely forgotten other crucial aspects of the relationship (eg: that he/she is married, etc. )

4. Ostentatious displays of anniversary-related affection (ie: gifts, preferably those wrapped inside small, light blue boxes) will not dispel existing marital discord or regrets, but they can make enduring it much more pleasant.

5. Any one who finds herself/himself married, for more than seven consecutive years, has been miserable at a (flexible) ratio of 1 to 3.****

6. If you find your spouse's family's actions or habits reprehensible, then you will likely find your spouse to be similarly obnoxious in the years that follow. Double that, if he/she considers "dinner with the parents" an acceptable celebration. Indeed, anniversaries will not lessen this feeling, but, rather, these events often exaggerate the related daily realities of married life.

7. If your spouse's idea of "fun" is a six pack, a bag of Doritos (TM), and football, then he or she is unlikely to plan (or enjoy) more cerebral outings. Despite your dreams to the contrary, this will never change. Your ability to endure such atrocities is, in general, directly related to #5.

8. If you wake up on your anniversary only to discover that you'd prefer to spend the day having a colonoscopy (rather than your spouse), I recommend that you return, immediately, to bed. This day has already hit its orgasmic high.

9. If you, or your spouse, must seek the guidance of a lawyer (for any reason) on your actual anniversary [and is unaware of the significance or irony of this rhetorical choice] might I suggest that you move on -- calmly. That relationship is over.

10. If your spouse ever described Sarah Palin as "do-able" -- run. If she/he made such an observation on your actual anniversary, please see #9.

________

As you can clearly see, dear P.R., Diana is a bitter, bitter woman, but one who, it must be explained, speaks from a place of disparate and first-hand experience. Nevertheless, if upon reading her list, you find yourself equal parts chagrined, depressed, or wary in the ways of love and love lost, know that I, too, remain confident and hopeful that these selected anniversary "gaffs" are certainly not representative of the whole of human experience, and that alternative solutions are solidly possible.

In the Cause,

Dr. T. Shandy

*Any similarities you find, to the original Mr. Gilbert Blythe (of Green Gables fame), is purely coincidental and should not prejudice your opinion of the manliness of my writing partner, Mr. Blythe.

**Anne, though regretfully named, bears no resemblance to her "green" literary sister.

*** Taco Bell (TM) is used, herein, as anecdotal evidence only; any number of other dining choices are equally disturbing on one's anniversary (eg: Golden Corral, Burger King, Village Inn, IHOP, 7-11 -- to name just a few)

****Though the marriage must, necessarily, be "consecutive," I feel compelled to explain that Diane is very clear that "misery" is rarely consecutive and is often punctuated by random and inexplicable bursts of bliss. Misery is, according to Diana's rules, always cumulative.

A Few "Bon Mots" from Diana: Love, Marriage, & the Road to Self-Awareness

BEING THE romantically unattached, international gadabout that I am, I often find myself intrigued -- nay, obsessed -- with the visceral entanglements of others. My dear friend, Diana*, who also claims academia as her home -- yet manages an openly "tough as nails" approach to her many lovers -- regularly provides me food for thought as she shares her own observations regarding love, marriage, children, and the like. She has been married twice, taken countless lovers of all persuasions, and yet insists that every love-affair (no matter now kairotically different the situation or the players) always ends the same: badly. I suggest, on occasion, that endings, are by their very existence, generally "bad." She scoffs and rambles on, leaving me to take notes and wonder.

Yes, I have collected these random "Diana-isms" for some time, yet lacking an outlet for extended rhetorical contemplation, these wise witticisms gathered dust, and never made it fully into my personal encyclopedia. Now that I have begun this journey toward public self-awareness (for what other "awareness" of self is there -- outside of our public persona?), I feel the need to reconsider these bon mots and, possibly, even begin to consider all the many ways in which I might begin to integrate their truisms into my own trysts.

Meanwhile, perhaps you will offer me YOUR insights, oh-pretend-reader (henceforth referred to as simply "P.R."**)? Will you read and share your own realities -- your own unique knowledge of such complicated human attachments?

Marriage/Sex/Love (Part 1), According to Diana:

1. All women become naggy on a long enough timeline. In fact, all women believe all men need nagging; some actually do, and for the rest, nagging makes whatever "issue" you were nagging over -- infinitely exaggerated

2. No matter how different the men, if husband #1 disliked your unavoidable, immutable "quality A," or if he found your annoying "habit B" less than endearing, then rest assured, eventually husband #2 will too

3. Sometimes sex is just sex; men inherently know this, and women will deny it -- indefinitely

4. Women cling so desperately to their belief that sex is always more than sex, that some will go so far as to marry inappropriate men just to prove that the "relationship" was more than "just sex"

5. Given the proper circumstances, most men will cheat

6. Given the proper circumstances, most women will too (see #4 for the way in which women, generally, handle said dalliance/s)

7. She who holds the remote and/or programs the TiVo, has the power; get it early and keep it

8. All women think all men will change when they get married; all men pray all women will not; everyone is eventually disappointed in this process

9. You should love your kids, and you can love your dog, but it is far better to LIKE your spouse

10. "Like" is an irrelevant issue for a love affair, unless said affair, is, indeed, of the nefarious sort, in which case, see #4, making this a moot point, as #9 trumps #10

11. All marriage involves compromise. Lots of it. Gauge your own willingness and/or ability to compromise daily (even when the compromisee in question is an undeniable dumbass), and you will likely have a good idea how content you will be in any long-term relationship

12. If your partner is unwilling to compromise when he/she is still safely ensconced under the label of "lover" -- he/she will be even less willing to compromise down the road

13. Children never "fix" anything; most complicate matters to the nth degree, in fact. Which is not to negate the value and greatness of kids, but few people are able to admit the very thing that most people, ultimately, must learn the hard way -- usually at the kids' expense


Remember, if you will, that I never claimed Diana to be anything other than a bitter and narcissistic woman, and yet she doggedly contends that all of these observations -- many of which I find "cliché " and disturbingly over-simplified -- are true. Can you corroborate even one, dear P.R.?

In the Cause,

T. Shandy, Ph.D.


*As with all pseudonymous adventures, I have, henceforth, changed my imaginary friend Chastity's name to "Diana" in order to protect her immutable make-believe status.

** Because I am lacking in creativity, and real readers, I have opted to openly appropriate Mr. B. Freret's use of the term "P.R." -- his original "name" for his "pretend" superaddressee (pre the cult-like following he enjoys today). http://freret.blogspot.com/ Thank you Mr. Freret. Thank you. YOU. COMPLETE. ME.